I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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