i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
