Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize