So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
