they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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