Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
