Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
