Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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