cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
