My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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