This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
