Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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