I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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