In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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