Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
