So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
