cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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