The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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