I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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