I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
