I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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