She said her name was "party"
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
