You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
