Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
