I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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