After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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