I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
