and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
