She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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