Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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