he wants to bone in the snuggie
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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