I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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