I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
