Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
