college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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