They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
