Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
