The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
