haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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