when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize