I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there was a trapeze. enough said
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Alive.
So much puke
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
