If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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