I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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