i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
