the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
