ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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