Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
