Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
