Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
