I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
