at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
