I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
