All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
