I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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