Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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