This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
