Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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