I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
